I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize