just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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