I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
