Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize