Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
