Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
