Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
