Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
