I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
