i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
