Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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