Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
