with your own penis?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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