sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize