At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
