you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there is glitter all over my balls
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize