party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
