it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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