Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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