I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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