I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
