burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize