He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
