PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
