Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The air taste purple.
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