foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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