My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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