I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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