I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
