so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
