Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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