my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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