I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
