She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
