I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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