I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
