remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
