Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
