my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
