I think i peed on brittanys purse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
