Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
