I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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