I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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