Ambien. No doubt about it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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