no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
