I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just found a bag of teeth...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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