saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
one might say we're banned from that church
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
