You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
