The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
