I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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