You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
