I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
