Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
