My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
