thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
