Soap is not a condiment
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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