I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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