Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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