So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
