We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
