Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
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